Do you ever feel stupid? I mean like, really dumb. Maybe for something you said to someone else, or failed to say… Something you did yesterday, or didn’t do… Well, I do too. I’m not really writing this post to tell you that you’re wrong for feeling stupid, but more so to show how I’m dealing with those feelings.
My particular area of regret is relationships. I never speak about my relationship life cause it’s never made sense. It’s like a little secret that I keep… the area of my life where I have the most desire seems to be the emptiest. However, over these past couple of days, I’ve had numerous perspective shifts in regards to my love life and how I’ve showed up.
I could go on and on about how I’ve acknowledged my worth and have overcome a lot of self sabotaging habits, but this post is about why I feel stupid. And really, the reason I feel this way has a lot to do with my past. How I’ve appeared desperate, sacrificed my boundaries, and acted like “myself.”
I shame myself for messing up situations that probably weren’t the best for me in the first place. “If I’d never said that, they would still want me,” or, “Damn, why couldn’t I have thought of that when I was talking?” I’m sure you’ve heard some variation of this self talk in your head.
For some reason, even when I do realize that someone isn’t good for me, I’ll still blame myself for “messing it up.” I’ll still feel stupid for not getting a certain point across. I’ll still feel guilty for looking like a fool. But you know what? I’m learning to put my past behind me and focus on the choices I make moving forward.
It’s not easy, and I’m hardly making progress, but I can’t keep blaming myself for who I was in the past. I can’t keep judging myself for being weak and naive. I have to live in the present with my renewed sense of strength. I have to know that I’ve grown past my old ways. It’s just hard sometimes, you know?
So, I guess I really wrote this to share the genuine journey I walk. Everything isn’t always about seeing the bright side, but about traveling through discomfort. It’s a process. So, if you feel stupid for anything you’ve done in the past, it’s OK. There’s a lot of things we regret, but we have to forgive ourselves. We have to trust that we’ll show up in a different way that serves us in the future. Peace.